*WHY EMBARRASSMENT INSTEAD OF CORRECTIVE DISCIPLINE*

                                     

                                  

You caught your child stealing meat from your pot of soup.

You were so enraged that you hit him with the big soup laddle. He escaped and sought refuge from your wrath at a neighbor's place. 

You reported him to your husband when he got back from work. He summoned the child and gave him a punishment. He released him after minutes of messy tears and trembling legs.

You didn't give him dinner, you sent the boy to bed hungry.

Yet, you were not satisfied. You woke him up in the middle of the night and delt with him further. Your turning stick and his father's leather belt aided you in melting out the punishment.

In the morning, you acted as if you had forgiven him. You admonished him, fed him, packed his lunch, and offered to walk him to school. The child was relieved, happy even that he was now forgiven. Only for you to approach his teacher and narrate what he did, with dramatic details.

The teacher promised to discipline him adequately, and so, after you went back home, your child was called out on the assembly and flogged before the students populace, including his friends, his crush, and those who looked up to him.

Those who missed the assembly heard the exaggerated version of the story. Everyone laughed at your child, including the boy who stole from his parents on a daily basis, and even the one who picked pockets in the market. Nobody laughed at those ones because their mothers did not bring their matters to the school.

Your child soon became lonely at school. His friends didn't want him any more because of the stigma. They wouldn't pick him for any football game or allow him into any clubs. He developed self-esteem issues. 

Your child grew up emotionally distant from you, he could not bring himself to open up to you no matter what he went through, because he never forgot what you did the last time he made a mistake.

Now, you wonder why your own child wouldn't confide in you. That's right, because you will make it the topic of discussion at your next woman's meeting. 

Ten years down the line, someone created a whatsapp group of his school mates set. Your child was added to the group and he joined with the hope of reuniting, but left when he found a meme making a joke about his past. Even though it was just a joke, he couldn't stand it because he already had internal issues. He couldn't bear to show his face at the reunion ceremony. 

Your child graduated from the university and applied for his dream job. He passed the first three stages of the application and was invited for the interview.

He left the interview, hopeful to be called back for the job. Only for him to run into one of his ex-schoolmates after the interview. He greeted her hastily and hurried away.

But it was too late as the lady happened to be the wife of the boss who interviewed him and he had already saw them exchanging greetings. He asked his wife about your child and she went ahead to paint an ugly picture of what happened ten years ago.

“Ahhn, that boy was a bandit of sort. He used to terrorize his neighborhood with his stealing antics, everyone knew him both at home and in school.” That was all the boss needed to make a decision among the many competitive applicants.

Even though it has been several years already, you have even forgotten about the incidence, your child is still suffering from the consequences. 

Your child hasn't stolen a single item since that meat, but the stigma had evolved with him and only grown bigger around his existence. 

Before you expose your child's misdeed at his school or Islamiyah, please ask yourself if you would do the same if he had exhibited a pleasant behavior. 

Revealing what your child did at home in public is embarrassment, not discipline. 

*👉Dear parents, please don't embarrass your children, it may scar them for a lifetime.*

*MY CHILD MY FRIEND* 

 

Friendship is another parenting essential. If you must raise great and wholesome children, friendship is a necessity.

 

Life is all about relationships. Man is a social being. God made us so. He created us to relate to one another. The home is the training ground for various forms of socialization.

 

The life we live out there is a revelation of what we have at home. If you're always fighting with your spouse, keeping malice, nagging, and criticizing one another, that is what your children will reflect out there.

 

Respect for one another is a key factor in friendship. Courtesy, forgiveness, tolerance, giving, and generosity are all necessary factors for a great relationship.

 

Friendship is one of the reasons children don't keep secrets. Friendship is the reason they don't want to do anything that would hurt you because they care so much about what you share and won't want anything to strain the relationship. 

 

Build a bond between you and your child; you cannot be a terrorist in your home and expect to have wholesome kids. You cannot be an authoritarian, the lion of the tribe of your family, and the chief of the armed forces of your home and expect to raise wholesome kids.

 

That's an abuse of your position. You must and should relate to your children in a friendly manner. Though you’re in authority over them, they will respect you more if you do not abuse your authority over them.

 

*Your children should respect you and not fear you.*

 

: *IT REQUIRES TIME*: 

 

Time is God's gift to man. It's the only commodity we all have in the same quantity. We have the same 24 hours in a day. What we do with that time reveals our priority.

 

We can use, waste, invest, or even convert it.

Time is a convertible resource. It's time a medical student invested to become a medical doctor. It is the time workers invest that becomes money at the end of the month. You see, it is a convertible resource. 

 

Like I say to my students, *Whatever wastes your time, wastes your life*. So what is keeping you busy?

 

Time is of essence in raising children. Nobody has time; we all make time for what is important to us. Stop running after the frivolities of life and make time to play, teach, and train your children. It is your responsibility.

 

Spend quality time with your children. We all have 24 hours. What you spend most of your time doing is a reflection of your value. If you truly place a premium on your child, you will create time for them.

 

They are humans, not things. You can’t just treat them like they are worth nothing and expect them to come around in your old age.

 

*Remember, time is a convertible resource. What will your parenting time amount to at your old age or at the end of your life?*

 

 *CONFLICT MANAGEMENT*

 

The human relationship is such a dynamic one. We can't rule out misunderstanding and conflict in relationships.

 

A lot of things can be responsible for the conflict. Conflict isn't an issue, as it's inevitable, but how we manage it determines the health of our relationships.

 

As it is with adults, so it is with children. They also have conflicts among themselves. Though the younger children can easily make up but as children grows if they are not taught how to manage conflicts they may end up ruining a lot of relationships that are important in their lives. And remember that conflict management is part of their *social capital*.

 

A lot of siblings can't stand each other any more in adulthood due to unresolved childhood conflicts that have degenerated into strife and hatred. This strife and hatred is what they transferred to their spouses and children, and the battles continue.

 

*Take your time to reflect on how your children manage conflicts. If you don't like what you see, then get to work.* 

 

*Everything is teachable*

 

: *CHANGE THE NARRATIVE*

 

Over the years, Abraham has trusted God for his children. God has told him that through him all the families of the earth shall be blessed. He held on to that word.

 

But over time, his mind began to drift away from that promise. He had the pressure of every other person having a child and him not having one,  plus his age was no longer on his side. Biologically, Mama was not on the good side either. A lot was putting pressure on his mind.

 

One day, while conversing with God, he told God he wasn't sure again, but God told him to look up and count the stars; he should also count the sand on the seaside. That, as much as they are, will be the number of his descendants.

 

Hello, pressures are real, be they from peers or society. Sometimes they are unspoken. *Blessed are you if your children could tell you they are feeling pressured, directly or indirectly.*

 

What do you do? Just change the narrative, like God did with Abraham. He brought him out and showed him the stars and the sand beside the sea. He gave him perspectives: You want a child, but I am giving you descendants as much as these. Don't lose sight of this.

 

Pressure can blind the eyes, but having someone around who can help you see from another point of view is a great blessing.

 

Are you such a blessing to your child?

 

 *LET THEM ADDRESS THEIR ISSUES THEMSELVES*

 

Many times my son will come reporting his grievances with his sister to me. I will become a mediator, trying to resolve and reconcile them. 

 

Then I saw a scripture that says if your brother offends you, you should address the matter with him one-on-one before calling for a third party. If he listens, then you have won him back to yourself. Then I asked myself, What if I am not around? Will my children be waiting for me before addressing a lot of issues? So I changed my route.

 

Anytime either of them brings a matter to me, after empathizing with him or her, the next question is: have you told him or her your grievance?

 

If not, I ask them to address the issues between themselves. So they had to learn how to dialogue about issues and resolve matters without involving a third party. This has further strengthened communication between them.

 

Were they able to manage that at first? Not really; are they getting along? Yes, they are.You can take a cue.

 

I am pastor E O Gabriel 

Good morning. 

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